My Eyes Won’t Forgive Me For This… Ever


In my lifetime, I’ve seen a ton of gay porn.

Don’t laugh. If you’ve ever used Google Image Search, then chances are, you’ve seen more than your fair share of it, too. You can type in “cute bunny” and by the third page, you’re staring blankly at a Japanese midget being sodomized with a baseball bat.

Now, I’ve never had a problem with gay people. Honestly. I’d actually like to think of myself as a pretty tolerant person. I’m okay with black folks, abortion, the NRA and illegal immigration. On a good day, I’m even willing to give rednecks a free pass. But, above all else, I’m totally cool with gay guys.

My latest adventure through Google Image Search, has me questioning everything I thought I knew about you guys, though.

Up until now, I had only seen commercial gay porn; usually two white guys–both of whom are in perfect physical condition–cuddling or kissing. Maybe an errant penis smacking a dude in the face, but nothing too graphically disturbing.

Clearly, Google had other ideas last night.

Searching for something half-interesting to write about, I turned to Google Image Search. (First mistake.) I don’t remember what, exactly, I typed in, but I had the safe-search feature switched to the off position. (Second mistake.) That’s when I saw it…

The gay porn I’ve seen in the past has been soft. It’s been gentle. It’s been, for the most part, clean. What I saw last night was nothing of the sort. It was fat, hairy and covered in sweat. There were folds and creases, wrinkles and sun spots, and all of the things that would hopefully be Photoshopped in post-production. This was homemade, amateur stuff, and it was absolutely horrifying to see. For a second, I tried to imagine I had Googled “creepy dark caves,” but it didn’t shake the image burned into my retinas.

So yea, I may be cool with gay guys, but now, more than ever, I just wonder how the hell it is that you guys do what it is that you do.

Not to sound like a 13-year-old girl, but… EW!

Someone A Little More Strange Than Myself
April 1, 2009, 9:00 am
Filed under: Friends of 718, Naked Dudes In Cowboy Hats, Shlomit Benartzy

If you pay very close attention to this blog, you may have noticed a new link on the left side of your screen. Most likely, you didn’t. Who the hell looks at blog rolls, anyway?

Well, let me save you the trouble. The new link is

She lives in Israel, curses for no apparent reason and can drink you under the table. Her writing is smart, witty and unbelievably random. In essence, she’s like me, only funnier. And probably looks better in a bikini. (Though, I have a sneaking suspicion that I can rock the shit out of a two-piece.)

Anyway, go read her stuff; you won’t be disappointed. And then email her, telling her you found out about her blog on the inside of a bathroom stall in Montana.

(Ed. Note: I’ll never pass up an opportunity to use the “Naked Dudes In Cowboy Hats” tag. Ever.)

(Update: It seems that everything I touch winds up breaking. It’s the reason I don’t masturbate. Here’s the actual link that works: The other links have been adjusted, as well.)


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