That’s what I wanna know. Everyday, around 6:45pm, I make my way to the bathroom most commonly used in the office, only to find the most confusing thing I’ve ever encountered — bubbles. In the urinal. Bright yellow bubbles. Sitting in the urinal that I’m about to cast off into.
It’s bad enough that I have to flush the urinal before I use it*, requiring me to touch one object in that bathroom at least one more time than I would generally wish to. But now, I’m also forced to witness a neon, bubble-filled mess that leaves me in a state of complete confusion. And of course, 15 minutes before I go home to eat. MMMmmm…
Now before you claim that it’s some chemical reaction with whatever cleaner is used, I’ll say this. I’m in that bathroom 3 times a day and it’s only like that at 6:45pm. The cleaning people don’t get there till well after 7pm. Explain yourself, Bubble Boy.
I’m not just telling you this because your foamy urine disturbs (and sort of amuses) the hell out of me. Part of me is somewhat concerned about your overall well being. Do you eat right? Get enough sleep? Visit Chernobyl often?
Please sir, I urge you — come sit and talk with me. Explain why someone coated your urinary tract with FOX Trax. If you don’t want to speak with me, that’s fine. Just please, Mr. Soapy Piss, at least flush the fuckin toilet.
*Because splash-back is a bitch.
(Editor’s Note: When searching for images on Google, turn “Safe Search” on before typing in the word piss. Trust me.)
Categorised in Things That Ought Not Be Bubbly
You tell that mean pizza!
So it’s been about 24 hours since McD-Day and still no ill effects. Well, I can’t say none. I didn’t make it to work today because my body felt like it got hit by a train. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the result of the pizza though — just me being sick. Purely coincidence. But, if it was the pizza, then holy shit, this thing is a secret weapon we should be using to fight the war on terror. I was in bed today, with no ability to perform everyday functions until about the time the sun went down again.
But yes, I am alive. Thanks for caring.
Oh, and sorry to disappoint those of you calling dibs on my stuff. Maybe during my next edible adventure, you’ll get lucky.
Categorised in Holy McFat Ass Batman and Surviving Death
There are kids in third world countries who don’t have food and have never even heard of a computer. I am in possession of both. In fact, one of my computers is down, so I’m writing this on my backup computer. If this one were to fail me, I could still do this entire thing from my phone.
And what better way to shove it in the face of !Xobile and his village than to use my vast array of technology to chronicle the preparing , and subsequent eating, of a meal big enough to feed an entire third world nation. Whatever. Not my fault they’re too stupid to build a McDonalds over there.
Anyway, the festivities start tomorrow morning (Whenever I wake up), as I’ll be live-blogging the entire event. Well, maybe not completely live, since I have a softball game and errands to run in the morning, but mostly live. Either way, it’ll be fun for the whole family, complete with witty commentary* and pictures for visual stimulation. (In case you want to see what a heart attack looks like in the form of a pizza.) Leave me some ideas in the comments if you can think of anything I should be doing to enhance this experience.
*Commentary might become less witty over the course of the night, as I stuff my face full of McDonalds goodness. It’s impossible to be witty and a complete fat ass at the same time — as much as Frank Caliendo would beg to differ.
Categorised in Holy McFat Ass Batman
