The Fatty McFat Ass (Semi) Live Blog
November 4, 2007, 11:52 am
Filed under: Holy McFat Ass Batman

Here we go kids! Follow along after the jump…

[7:38pm] And to all a good night.

[7:30pm] The remaining photos…

The artist in me took over while I was making it.

Awwww! Look, they’re twins!

My brother’s albino pizza. Mine looked so much better.

Smoot takes his first bite. He wouldn’t have that same smile on his face later in the night.

The Brother Smoot attempts to show his deep throat technique. He would bow out shortly thereafter.

And two slices later, he’s done…

The setup in front of the tv. If you look closely, you can see the porn in the background on the screen.

[7:19pm] And as the Pats game ends, so to does this live blog. My eyes are glazing over, my stomach is in knots and I can’t stay awake right now. This is worse than any Thanksgiving hangover I’ve ever had in my life. But it was a ton of fun doing this for you all. Thanks to everyone for egging me on and giving me the strength and support to carry on. To my brother, thanks for nothing you weak, disappointment of a fat man. I expected so much more from you. And mostly, I’d like to thank God for taking time away from the Lions game to watch over me and make sure I didn’t throw up on my clean carpet.

To close this out, I’ll post the last few picture I have from tonight…

[7:07pm] The roommate actually proves useful, suggesting I make Fatty McFat Ass t-shirts. Not sure there’s much of a demand for that, but at least he has his head in the right place. We’re Jewish. We’ve got the marketing genes.

[6:56pm] I’ll spare you the details of that last event. But it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it could’ve been. I’m sure, tomorrow morning won’t be as kind.

[6:31pm] IPwS takes his first bathroom break. This will not end well.

[6:22pm] If you’ll notice, the posts have slowed. And my roommate just changed the channel from the Colts game to Discovery channel. There might be a death in the household.

[6:10pm] The last slice has gone down. There’s still 5 slices of my brother’s pizza, but umm… Yea, I’m not that ###### crazy. Right now, I dont feel sick, but I’m sure that might change soon. I can kinda feel my body trying to figure out what the hell just happened to it.

[5:59pm] And The Brother Smoot has bowed out. Just two slices and he’s done. I’ve never been so disappointed in my brother. Weak, man. Just weak.

[5:55pm] I’m slowing down. With just one and a half slices to go, it’s starting to take it’s toll on me. Another thing I learned about this meal though? Grape soda. Coke is ok. Root beer is too filling. Grape soda just compliments the flavor better, and it’s a light taste compared to the other options. Am I really analyzing this with this much detail? Do I have a life? Yes, and no — obviously.

[5:40pm] The roommate is home — Sleeping Beauty the Sox Fan. His first reaction? That’s gross. After he tried a slice of The Brother Smoot’s pizza, his point of view quickly changed. This is surprisingly good. He then promptly fell asleep at the kitchen table.*

*May or may not be true. But it isn’t far out of the realm of possibility with him.

[5:28pm] For all the media chatter about this game, I find myself kinda bored with it. 7-6 going into halftime? Really? And maybe you can hold on to that touchdown pass earlier, eh Anthony? Don’t worry. My fantasy team doesn’t need you at all. Asshole.

[5:21pm] The slice with the french fries? Yea, that one isn’t so good. It might have something to do with the large quantity of starch on a slice with bread and a shit ton of potatoes, or it could be that I’ve already eaten 80% of 2900+ calories.

[5:13pm] You know when you burp up food that you just ate, and it kinda makes you wanna throw up a little. Yea, apparently that feeling doesn’t change much. I’m halfway through this pizza and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m about to dive into the fries now. No signs of slowing down yet. The Brother Smoot, on the other hand, has downed 2 slices and is currently laying on the couch. I give him another 2 slices before he actually throws up. Puss.

[5:05pm] Two slices down, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the chicken nugget slice tastes better with the BBQ sauce. The cheeseburger slice is the best as of yet. I’m saving the fries for the end. The Brother Smoot has settled on the chicken nugget slice with the BBQ sauce. The roommate comes home soon, and well, he’s just missing out at this point.

[5:01pm] Aaaaaaaaaaand… it tastes just as good as I thought it would. I am now going to enjoy another slice while watching the Pats game.

[4:45pm] Holy shit. The final product looks amazing. I wish you all could see this in person, because the picture just doesn’t do it justice.

[4:35pm] The ingredients are put together. You can see the pictures here, here, here, here and here.

[4:15pm] Ahhhhh! Apparently Publix doesn’t know that a company named Boboli exists. We just spent 35 in Publix trying to locate a pizza crust. We left with something that wasn’t quite Boboli. But it’ll have to do.

McDonalds wasn’t much better. We were the second people in line and it still took about 20 minutes just to get our food. The guy behind the counter was amused with our plans though. I showed him the pictures. He just laughed. I think he knows something about their food that I don’t. I’m scared.

[3:10pm] There’s just something funny about a guy with the last name Colledge. And with that, I head out to Publix. Be back in a little bit with pictures. Why, yes. The Packers game is boring.

[2:53pm] Almost time to head out and pick up the ingredients. I think I’m fully prepared to die today. I’ve done everything I’ve always wanted to do in life. Actually, I haven’t. If anyone knows a naturally blonde Asian girl that doesn’t mind getting chocolate pudding in her hair, please email me.

[2:35pm] We are now sitting here discussing why our fantasy football team sucks this year. He says it’s because of Thomas Jones. I think it’s because he’s a fucking jinx and is the reason Stephen Jackson, Andre Johnson and Javon Walker have all died this year. We finally agreed to blame the entire thing on Joey Harrington. He’s not even on our team, but it’s assumed that all bad things that happen in this world can be traced back to Joey Harrington.

[2:25pm] My brother is here with me. He decided to try and test the limits of his stomach as well. As you can tell, we are not a smart family. This is the same guy who tore his ACL playing softball… and decided it was worth it to play again 6 days later. Just to point out — there is no prize for the winning team except a cheap plastic trophy. Last season, the MVP “trophy” broke in the box. This is what he’s playing for.

[2:08pm] Ok, I think I figured out the moderation stuff. I could be wrong though. Lemme know if you’re having problems and umm… Yea, I won’t know what to do anyway. Just roll with it. And out of curiosity, is anyone else confused as to why there’s a penalty for kicking the ball in a game called FOOTball?

[2:01pm] Told ya I’d be back around now. Back, showered and ready to take this bad boy down. The next hour is gonna be devoted to mentally preparing for this, watching a little football and snacking on some Kix. And if anyone knows how to disable comment approval on this thing, please feel free to let me know. I really don’t need to moderate. There’s nothing I do in my life that’s tasteful, so I seriously doubt I’ll find anything you all say offensive.

[10:19am] After playing 3 hours of Madden o2, it’s time to head to my softball game. We also get the first picture of the day. Me, about to leave for softball, at roughly 175lbs. And no, I’m not trying to kiss Will’s ass with that shirt. I’m forced to wear it since that’s the team that drafted me. I’ll be back around 1:30/2:00-ish. Come back for the fun.

[8:08am] It turns out I am stupid. After spending 20 minutes trying to figure out why there was no jump, I realized that it’s because I wasn’t looking at the main page. I’m not sure if this is a live blog of me eating a pizza, or a live blog of me figuring out exactly how stupid I might be. Either way, fun for the whole family. Ok, I’ll be back a little later, before my game.

[7:56am] Chandler named MVP after leaving the game in the 3rd. Finished with 307 yards/6 TDs. Jamal Andserson put up 152 yards on the ground. God, I miss the 1998 season. I’ll stop boring you with N64 talk now. I have a softball game at 11:30am, so I have to kill time somehow. Ya know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is exactly like Super Bowl coverage. The event doesn’t start till late afternoon (in this case, 4:00pm), but there’s coverage throughout the day on things you could not care less about. Awesome.

IPWS >/= Super Bowl?

[7:26am] I put a jump in. Or so I thought. Just trust me on this. It may just be that I’m stupid and this is why I still do most of my writing with a pen and paper.

[7:18am] I don’t remember Chris Chandler being this good. 35-0 at halftime. Chandler’s stats: 12-14, 217 yards, 4TDs. Vick is holding the clipboard… plotting… (Or something.)

[6:30am] It’s bright out. The sun is shinging through my window. I hate daylight savings. I’m gonna go play some Madden 2002 to mentally prepare myself for today’s events… and to remember what a Falcons are like with a QB.


23 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Oh, I’m paying attention friend…

Comment by Becky_MI

I am rapt.

Comment by Slothrop

I poured myself another cocktail to keep me hydrated while I follow this adventure.

Comment by Siobhan

Good Lord. When you die, can I have your job?

Comment by undergroundbto

I’ll be following along here too. God speed, man.

Comment by TattooedMess(iah)

I salute you on your gastrointestinal adventure.

Comment by Signal to Noise

While you’re at Publix, go ahead and pick up some of their great apple turnovers for dessert. They should complement the turnover-fest at Kansas City.

Comment by Brazil Thrill

Hello! Please avoid the book “Fast Food Nation” at all costs. The resulting depression could be more severe than the obesity/decreased life expectancy caused by any number of McDonald’s “food” products.

-with concern, Scout

Comment by Scout

I think the Ladies… have found their Friday Football Foodie for next week.

Comment by Precious Roy

It’s so….BEAUTIFUL. God bless the USA.

/wipes tear away, starts humming “Yankee Doodle Dandy” while waving miniature American flag

Comment by notthequarterback

Just, wow. I can’t believe this exists, and that you haven’t fallen over after just three bites. I don’t know whether to salute Smoot or send him some Lipitor.

Comment by becky_mi

*golf clap* you can do it, Smoot!

Comment by LoserDomi

That pizza looked a lot better than I thought it would. I feel dirty for wanting a cheeseburger slice right now.

Comment by Signal to Noise

You’re doing the Lord’s work. Don’t quit on us now.

Comment by TattooedMess(iah)

I’ve decided that I could totally do this. My diet yesterday consisted of a pizza and half a box of Dunkin Donuts. But I was mad hungover.

Comment by Siobhan

If you kill him, you have a built-in defense. Who in their right mind would eat an entire McPizza?

Comment by TattooedMess(iah)

[…] to go for broke and bake up not one, but TWO of these fast-food Frankensteins for consumption, and blogged most of the experience for posterity.  You owe it to the children you’ll never have to read this man’s daring […]

Pingback by Spork Fu » Blog Archive » The Thrill of Victory, The Agony Of A Massive Coronary

I applaud you, good sir.

Comment by JB*

Next time: with a baby on top!

Seriously, I’m hungry.

Comment by phony gwynn

Are you still among the living? Good lord man, that’s the gutsiest move I ever saw, man.

Comment by Slothrop

[…] it’s been about 24 hours since McD-Day and still no ill effects. Well, I can’t say none. I didn’t make it to work today […]

Pingback by Death, You Are My Bitch Lover « Apartment 718

[…] to disagree, though.) • I made a the infamous Barbaro Myspace page. • At one point in time, I ate an entire McDonald’s pizza. • I’ve managed to find Marlins fans on here. (There are apparently, more than 3 of you. […]

Pingback by Anonymous

[…] infamous Barbaro Myspace page. • And the other Barbaro page, as well. • At one point in time, I ate an entire McDonald’s pizza. • I’ve managed to find Marlins fans on here. (There are apparently, more than 3 of you. […]

Pingback by This Is My Hat. Consider It Thrown In The Ring. «

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