Filed under: My iTunes List Is Better Than Yours, Unofficial Official Top Ten Lists
This list is bullshit. It’s not so much a Top 10 of All Time as it is a Top 10 of a Small Sampling of Songs That I’ve Come Across While Illegally Downloading Music on Limewire. Or something. So don’t get all pissy when you don’t see your favorite Pavel Kubina lyric on this list. Just go ahead and add your own list in the comments. (But you’re gonna be hard-pressed to beat my top 3. Fair warning.)
(Update: Apparently SI.com ran a similar article in 2006. But it kinda sorta sucked. I’m just as shocked as you.)
10. Jason Kidd – Hot In Here (Nelly)
I gotta friend with a pole in the basement (What?)
I’m just kiddin like Jason (Oh)
Someone let Nelly know that just because a guy plays basketball, doesn’t mean that he’s badass enough to reference him in a rap song. Then again, it’s Nelly, so it isn’t really rap. And Jason Kidd did beat his wife at one point. In an odd twist, it seems the man being referenced has more street cred than the man singing the song. All Jason Kidd needs is a song about shoes and a little band aid under his eye.
9. Derek Jeter – Forever (8Ball & MJG)
I make them say skeeter skeeter
Keep up and grab the ball back just like I’m Derek Jeter
Jeter grabs the ball back? (Enter A-Rod joke here: ________________________.) From who? Why? What does that even mean? I know there are a limited amount of words that rhyme with skeeter, but can we at least try to make sense? How ’bout:
I make them say skeeter skeeter
Pimp hos on South Beach, make em pay their parking like Jeter
Whatever. I tried. They don’t pay me to write rhymes.
8. Steve Francis – Come Home With Me (Cam’ron)
Come on home wit me, these are the facts
Steve Francis and Latifah got jacked
Whoa. I imagine Francis and Queen Latifah walking home from a date and getting held up at gun point. Francis wearing a tux and Latifah in a bright purple prom dress. Is that image haunting anyone elses eyes? Just mine? Awesome.
7. Christian Laettner – What’s Up Doc? (Fu-Schnickens ft. Shaquille O’Neal)
Now who’s the first pick? Me, word is born and
Not a Christian Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning
Ok, normally any mention of Christian Laettner would equal Top 5 status. Especially when it’s used by a group like Fu-Schnickens. (Who I was a huge fan of, by the way.) The two things holding this back from moving up the chart? It’s Shaq doing the rapping of that particular lyric. You kinda have to expect him to mention other basketball players. And he also throws an Alonzo Mourning reference into the mix. Mourning is 100% badass, so it kinda balances that line out.
(Fun fact: Shaq, Mourning and Laettner all played on the same Heat team at one point. Well, Shaq and Mourning played. Laettner just kinda sat on the bench a lot.)
6. Steve Nash – Promiscuous (Nelly Furtado)
Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash
When I’m in the club, rockin out with my cock out, and I start talkin to a girl, I break out that Steve Nash-esque game… And then I go home to jerk off into a dirty sock.
Kobe = Game.
D-Wade = Game.
Nash = Go Home and Jerk It Into A Sock.
5. Steve Young – Daily (TQ)
Look at the TV
Just lost Steve Young for two weeks
And the Playoffs started last week
And I put 200 on with four my homies
I still can’t decide if this lyric refers to actual gambling or fantasy football. Either way, you and your homies laid out $200 on a guy whose brains resemble one portion of a Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast. Unless they were referring to this Steve Young. Though, for the life of me, I can’t figure out what they would’ve been wagering $200 on.
4. Anthony Mason – New York [Remix] (The Game)
Now the fuckin hip hop police hatin
tryin to run me outta New York like Anthony Mason
I’ll admit, I was taken by surprise when I heard this one. For a while, I thought the Anthony Mason Experiment in New York only occurred in my head. I was really starting to question whether it was real or I imagined it. Thank you, Game, for reminding me of the fucktard with the designer hair. It was definitely fun times in my house, watching Shit Brick shoot one handed free throws. God, I wanna shoot myself right now. On a positive note, there’s now two former Knicks on this list.
3. Jason Williams/Jayson Williams – Ground Zero (The Diplomats)
Chill while I’m chasing millions
I’m a baller that would merk you like Ja(y)son Williams
Cam’ron loves him some controversial basketball players with marginal talent. I’ve yet to figure this one out, though. Is it Jason or Jayson? A quick look at UrbanDictionary.com gives us the definition of the word merk.
- to kill someone
- to beat someone in a game
Now you see my dilemma.
2. Penny Hardaway/Wayne Gretzky – Sickalicious (Fabolous)
And I done slipped more shots in then Gretzky’s stick
I’m the one like Penny Hardaway’s number
The top 2 have something in common. They each manage to name drop more than one athlete in a minimum of two lines. In this example, a Penny Hardaway reference follows one sentence after a Wayne Gretzky shout out. Your guess is as good as mine. Now, I’m not about to debate the street cred of the greatest hockey player to ever play the game, but there is this one curious thing. Basic principle of advertising: Know your audience. I may not be the final authority on all things hip hop, but I’m pretty sure a lot of black guys looked at each other at the same time and said, “Who?”
Penny also happens to be the 3rd Knick to make this list. This will be the first and last time you will ever see me refer to Penny Hardaway as a former Knick. I choose to forget that ever happened, much like the Anthony Mason Experiment, the Chris Dudley Project and everything from 2002 till present.
1. Juan Pierre/Miguel Cabrera – Rubberband Man [Remix] (T.I., Trick Daddy & Twista)
I’m such a playa’ they call me Juan Pierre
Been ballin’ since my younger years like ya boy Cabrera
How much ass did Juan Pierre pull off this one lyric? Nondescript outfielders everywhere are placing calls to their local rap artists, begging for a name drop. Pitbull, I’ve got Reggie Abercrombie on line 1. He says it’s urgent.
And once again, I’m not in the rap game anymore, so my slang may be a little rusty, but from what I can gather, ballin’ can be interpreted as terrorizing all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets. I think.
So there it is. Your unofficial, official Top 10 Obscure References To Athletes In Music list. Anything I missed?
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