Thanksgiving: What It Means To Me
November 27, 2008, 11:59 am
Filed under: Thanksgiving


Wikipedia defines Thanksgiving as such:

Thanksgiving, also known as Thanksgiving Day, is a harvest festival. Traditionally, it is a time to give thanks for the harvest and express gratitude in general. It is primarily a North American holiday which has generally become a national secular holiday with religious origins.

As you can clearly see, Wikipedia lies.

To my understanding, Turkey Day is all about football, overeating, more football and passing out in a pool of my own gravy-filled vomit. In my family, Thanksgiving has long been a day of do-nothing and general slothfulness. Not once do I ever think about what I’m actually thankful for. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have much time to, what, with all the hours spent shoveling fistfuls of mashed potatoes in my mouth.

Let’s be honest people. Thanksgiving is just a time when you can tell your trainer to fuck off, you’re not going to the gym this week. It’s a time to go on a Theo Fleury-style bender from Thursday to Sunday. To make sandwiches out of leftovers for the next week and a half, or until you fall into a turkey-induced coma. Thankful? I’m more inclined to be thankful on December 5th, when it’s absolutely certain that I’ve survived yet another year of clogged arteries and cardiac arrest.

This year, I’m hitting up two different Thanksgiving dinners. Because, obviously, one harvest festival isn’t quite enough for my masticatory stylings. No, I need two. And there’s a really good chance that I’ll be leaving both with plastic containers. Thanksgiving, this year, will be two houses and two dinners that, when all is said and done, will last roughly 13 calendar days and cause me to gain at least 14lbs. Ten of which, will migrate directly to my waist. The other four will spread out evenly amongst my ass and, soon-to-be, second chin. It will be all sorts of awesome.

I cannot stress enough, how much I truly love this holiday. This year, I’m thankful for Thanksgiving.

And fuck you, gym. I’ll see you in December.


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