The Mailbag (12/3/08): You Know How I Know You’re Gay?
December 3, 2008, 10:00 am
Filed under: The Mailbag, You Know How I Know You're Gay?


Sometimes, the most difficult part of writing is coming up with a topic. That’s why, in an effort to make this blog more of an interactive experience, I’m having you, the reader, do all the hard work. Here’s what I want you to do. Email me some questions–could be personal, generic, or even completely random–and each week, I’ll pick one of them and dissect the shit out of it. No topic is outta bounds, so you know, don’t be afraid to ask about my third nipple or anything.

Send all questions to

This week’s question:

Q: Do you ever think about the same sex?

A: Mom?

Since I assume you mean in a sexual way, the honest answer to this is no. But it’s funny you should ask…

When I originally started working as a graphic artist, it was for a company in North Miami. Within the art department, there were basically two types of straight men; the ultra-macho, let’s-pound-some-beers, man’s men, and me; the metrosexual, softer-side, gotta-get-home-to-TiVo-Grey’s-Anatomy man.

For well over a year, the manly men in my department refused to believe that I did, indeed, have a girlfriend. And even then, they were a little skeptical. The same situation is happening at my current office. It’s been two years, and there are still a few doubters amongst the cubicle dwellers.

Can’t a heterosexual man listen to *NSync and appreciate Broadway musicals without being labeled Seeker of the Sausage? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Now, admittedly, I don’t make for a very convincing straight guy. I hate horror movies and watch way too many chick flicks. I’d rather be at the mall, shopping, than under the hood of my car, fixing. And I absolutely love me some fruity, cocktail drinks. But is that enough to brand me a butt pirate?

You know what? Don’t answer that.

Point is, while I may enjoy a number of things that women have a strong fondness for, a naked man isn’t one of them. Sure, I know the story behind a yes response to this question would’ve been a lot more entertaining, but I’m not about to lie. Especially not about this.

It’s simple really; men are gross. We’re not nearly as hot as women when the clothes come off, so the idea of two being naked in the same room, at the same time, is beyond cringe-worthy. Two women, on the other hand, with their delicate shapes and curves, and their arms and legs intertwined, is truly a thing of beauty. It’s artwork. It’s why the vast majority of the male population is completely transfixed by girl-on-girl action. (See, ladies. Don’t ever say that we don’t have an appreciation for the fine arts.)

But allow me to repeat, with as many vomit-inducing details as possible: two men slamming into each other over and over again, grunting, while sweat pours off their clunky bodies, onto dirty bed sheets?

I’ll pass.


2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

My, do you ever paint a vivid picture.

The good news is you just saved me lunch.

Comment by TattooedMess(iah)

haha i love it.. i had to comment it. nice topic by the way =)

Comment by Karen

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