Filed under: Apartment 718
Sometimes I sit around and wonder how random people stumble upon my blog. Are they finding me through Facebook? Stalking me on Pipl? Perhaps looking for an in-depth look at bird poop? Well the fine folks at WordPress have given me this fancy-shmancy stats page that tells me all of that stuff. I know if when you viewed my page, what porn you were looking at just before you came here and which hand you were rubbing one out with. It’s that sofisticated.
The best part about that nifty tool, though, is getting to see what keywords were used to find my blog, because sometimes that shit is downright hilarious. Observe.
Filed under: Arizona Cardinals, Atlanta Falcons, Bad Gambling Advice, Depressing Realizations, football, NFL, Pittsburgh Steelers, Sports, Super Bowl
I’ve seen this game before.
I’ve seen the team with the scary bird logo, who had no business being in the Super Bowl in the first place, stroll into Florida as every talking-head’s “Team of Destiny.”
I sat in front of the TV and had a surge of optimism shoot through my body as the opening kickoff boomed down the field.
And then I spent 4 of the most miserable hours of my life, staring dejectedly at a 50″ television, watching that “Team of Destiny” get their shit handed to them by the “Team of Really Fucking Good.”
Sorry, Cardinals fans. I know you’re excited about this weekend–what with it being the first thing you’ve had to be happy about since, um, Jake Plummer?–but I’ve seen this movie before, and they don’t kiss at the end. You know the rape scene in Deliverance? It’s sort of like that. Only difference is, that scene was only uncomfortable for 9 minutes. This is 3 hours. For your sake, I hope the commercials this year don’t suck and that there are enough chicken wings at your party to properly drown your sorrows for the duration of the beating.
Pointless Prediction That’ll Wind Up Being Completely Wrong:
Pittsburgh 23, Arizona 10
And if Anquan Boldin gets arrested for solicitation, sometime before the game on Sunday, just remember, you were warned.
When I was born, I popped out with batting gloves and cleats. It’s true. My dad told me so.
Growing up, I played baseball for a team and football in the streets. I taught myself to play hockey in middle school, basketball in high school and racquetball and soccer shortly after graduation. Since then I’ve added tennis and softball to my awe-inspiring repertoire.
I am, for all intents and purposes, the epitome of athletic efficiency.
So why do I suck so much at golf?
Like anyone else in the world, I constantly set goals for myself. Some are there to push me further in life, and others are there strictly for amusement. One from the latter category is to win a top 3 spot in Gizmodo’s weekly Photoshop Contest. Yes, it’s probably one of the stupidest goals one could set for themselves, but that doesn’t mean I won’t try just as hard as I would if it were something even remotely important.
So far, I’ve made the honorable mention list every time I’ve entered, but that’s just not good enough.
This past week’s challenge was to create an iPhone application that would clearly be rejected by Apple. And while four of my entries made it–including the Miley Cyrus one above and this disturbing one here–I’m a little more than disappointed that my best effort wasn’t even used. At all. Honestly, I’m not sure how this one didn’t take 1st place…
I’m going to hell.
You may have beer. You may have chicken wings. But just know that your Super Bowl party cannot be considered a true success unless you take an axe to your toddler’s ankle and stick the end result somewhere between the pretzels and potato chips…
I try to be understanding when it comes to the economy. Businesses are out to make a buck, after all, and they should do everything within reason to improve their profits. The key to that sentence is the phrase, within reason, though. Subway, apparently does not understand what that means. Here, let me help them.
Go ahead and read that sign again. Notice anything peculiar?
ONLY 2.00 MORE
So, let me get this straight. I can get a sandwich with bread at the regular price, or I can get a sandwich, without bread, for $2 more. Who, exactly, did the math on that? I understand that Subway employees are only trained to do something one way, step by step, and that altering traditional protocol, in any manner, can have disastrous effects on the outcome of their product, but that is, in no way, a $2 predicament.
To Subway Sandwich Artists: It’s very simple, really. Just make my sandwich the exact way you would, normally… only, when you reach behind you for the bread, don’t grab any. Instead, grab one of those cheap plastic bowls. Problem solved. In fact, let me make this even easier on you guys. Make my sandwich exactly the way you would if I didn’t make some crazy request like, “no bread.” Wrap it the way you typically would, charge me the regular price and I’ll take it home and dump the contents out into one of my own bowls, thus saving me $2 and allowing me to feed the ducks.
There was a fairly entertaining moment during lunch today, when my creative director got shit on by a bird… in the middle of the mall food court. How the hell does that even happen? Regardless, being the youngest of the group, I was assigned to research why it is that being crapped on by flying Chinese food is considered lucky. What follows is the email I sent to all parties present at the time of the pooping, detailing my findings. Enjoy.
Why is bird poop lucky?
While hours of extensive research 10 minutes of Googling yielded nothing in the way of an actual answer, I did come across some really interesting shit… (drum beat, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand cymbal crash!)
1. There’s an entire market for fake, lucky poop. http://tinyurl.com/2n62m2
2. As if there were really any doubt, the Japanese are completely off their rocker. http://tinyurl.com/6ark3z
3. Why is bird poop white? I’ll tell you why. (Via the Scoop on Poop website)
Unlike mammals, birds don’t urinate. Their kidneys extract nitrogenous wastes from the bloodstream, but instead of excreting it as urea dissolved in urine as we do, they excrete it in the form of uric acid. Uric acid has a very low solubility in water, so it emerges as a white paste. This material, as well as the output of the intestines, emerges from the bird’s cloaca. The cloaca is a multi-purpose hole for birds: their wastes come out of it, they have sex by putting their cloacas together, and females lay eggs out of it.
4. Delano, California would seem to have somewhat of a bird poop epidemic. http://tinyurl.com/basc4n
5. And if you need to get a large amount of poop off of your shirt… http://tinyurl.com/c3fkzk
This is all the information you will ever need on bird poop. Next week, I’ll discuss the magical healing properties in horse manure.