Most Pathetic. Addiction. Ever.
January 14, 2009, 10:00 pm
Filed under: food, Holy McFat Ass Batman, Target


What the hell is in a Nature Valley Granola Bar and why is it so damn tasty? I used to eat one for a snack, at work, around noon. Then, slowly, one became two, two became three and my entire day began to center around its sweet, crunchy goodness.

I’ve never been addicted to anything in my life; not drugs, not alcohol, not power. For twenty-six years, I went through life without even the temptation of addiction. Addiction, afterall, is a bitch. A crackhead will sell her daughter in order to hit the pipe just one more time. Right now, though, I’m no different. If I had a child, that kid would be on eBay tonight, with the Buy It Now option prominently displayed, so I could scrape together a little extra coin for the snack machine. Actually, who am I kidding? Snack machine? A few months ago, I realized my addiction was causing some severe damage to my wallet–I mean, 50 cents, three times a day, for 5 days a week really begins to add up–so I decided to do something about my addiction: buy in bulk. See, with the variety pack from Target, I can get twice as much fat content for the same amount! And, as a bonus, I never have to leave my cubicle to get another. No more long walks to the break room to scratch that itch; just an arms distance to the bottom drawer of my desk. (I’d imagine this is why serious pot-heads buy by the ounce. Nickel bags are for high school cheerleaders and guys with makeup who think they’re goth. Or emo. Or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days.)

And they’re healthy, too! Wait. They’re not? But they’re made from Nature. And a valley. Dammit. Well, I still think they are, and that’s really all that matters.

Either way, bulk is the way to go though, with this snack, and a box with oats & honey, brown sugar & cinnamon and peanut butter, all packaged together; its like they read my chubby little  mind. I thought I would pack on the pounds trying to find the ultimate meatball sub, but it looks like I’m headed down that path anyway, thanks to my new addiction.

I don’t know if it’s crack. I don’t know if it’s nicotine. I just know that Nature Valley is putting something addicting in those stupid bars, and I’m becoming the healthiest fatass in the office.


2 Comments so far
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So the rumors are true…you’re pregnant!?!

Comment by Anonymous

Man, you too? I discovered the huge bulk pack at Costco a while ago and I’m starting to also believe they’re not that healthy. You mean breaking up two packages into a bowl and putting milk on them isn’t the best way to start my day? Fuck!

Comment by TattooedMess(iah)

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