Super Bowl XLIII: The Official Prediction


I’ve seen this game before.

I’ve seen the team with the scary bird logo, who had no business being in the Super Bowl in the first place, stroll into Florida as every talking-head’s “Team of Destiny.”

I sat in front of the TV and had a surge of optimism shoot through my body as the opening kickoff boomed down the field.

And then I spent 4 of the most miserable hours of my life, staring dejectedly at a 50″ television, watching that “Team of Destiny” get their shit handed to them by the “Team of Really Fucking Good.”

Sorry, Cardinals fans. I know you’re excited about this weekend–what with it being the first thing you’ve had to be happy about since, um, Jake Plummer?–but I’ve seen this movie before, and they don’t kiss at the end. You know the rape scene in Deliverance? It’s sort of like that. Only difference is, that scene was only uncomfortable for 9 minutes. This is 3 hours. For your sake, I hope the commercials this year don’t suck and that there are enough chicken wings  at your party to properly drown your sorrows for the duration of the beating.

Pointless Prediction That’ll Wind Up Being Completely Wrong:
Pittsburgh 23, Arizona 10

And if Anquan Boldin gets arrested for solicitation, sometime before the game on Sunday, just remember, you were warned.


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