It’s Friday and you know what that means–another video from our pal Dennis Bunnicelli.
Recently, 50 Cent had beef with Rick Ross. (That sentence sounded ridiculous when I read that aloud, by the way.) I’m not really sure why there was beef. Or who had the beef first. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure these two were still rapping. Whatever. All I know is that it’s caused Dennis Bunnicelli to throw his own rap into the mix.
Be sure to wear neutral gang colors while watching this video.
Next week, I show off my new camera, unveil Phase II of my Shaq experiment and go one-on-one with Dennis Bunnicelli in the most gripping interview since whatever the last most gripping interview was.
Enjoy your weekend.
Filed under: Oddly Amusing
A man will leave his house, step into his car and begin his day. He’ll drive 55mph, just as the sign on the side of the road suggests. When in close proximity to a school, he’ll slow down to 15mph. After passing the school, he’ll patiently wait, with his foot on the brake, for the small red light in the middle of the intersection to turn green. He’ll put his right turn signal on as he pulls into the parking lot of a convenience store, navigating the lot to find a space to park, making sure to leave the handicap spots open for those with wheelchairs. After all, you can get a ticket for such things.
And then, he’ll walk inside, shoot the armed guard, the woman behind the counter and the man in isle 3 who was in the middle of picking out a candy bar, in order to pocket the $37 in the register.
The moral: People are more terrified of traffic citations than they are of a lifetime prison sentence.
Allow me to take this Monday morning to welcome the newest member of the Smoot family. We expect her arrival in the next 7-10 business days. I already wanna pinch her cheeks and spoil her with gaudy lenses.
Last weekend, I brought you the glorious work of Kige 2.0–otherwise known as Dennis Bunnicelli. This Friday, and every Friday from here on out, I’ll be ending the week with a Bunnicelli news report.
Today, the beheading of a Pakistani house wife. Bitch shoulda’ washed those dishes like he asked.
he•ro: a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal
vil•lain: a character in a play, novel, or the like, who constitutes an important evil agency in the plot.
Baseball has its villain. Now, it just needs a hero.
Enter Albert Pujols…
What if Pujols were to step forward and admit to steroid use? Not just admit to doing it one time in ’93, when Jose Canseco snuck up behind him and poked him in the ass. But, what if he were to come out, right now, and admit that he’s been using them for a number of years to gain a distinct advantage and help further his career?
Call me crazy, but now would be the best time for that.
After Tuesday’s press conference, it was pretty obvious who the villain in baseball is these days. A-rod is unlikable to begin with–though I don’t really understand why–and he clearly didn’t help himself by pleading stupid the other day. For whatever reason, he’s the guy the baseball-loving world has chosen to take the pitchforks to, and that’s fine. But, what baseball needs right now, more than an angry, vigilante mob, is a hero.
Albert Pujols is the anti-A-Rod. He doesn’t play for a polarizing team. Doesn’t date supermodels. Stays out of the news. He’s won a championship. He seems polite and down to Earth and everything we’ve come to expect of a hero. Everything people don’t see in A-Rod.
Under normal circumstances, If he were to hold that press conference, telling the world exactly what he’s done, why he did it, how long, etc., etc., he’d be under the same scrutiny A-Rod is under today. But, coming out right now, at this very moment, is different. We already have our bad guy.
If Pujols were to hold a press conference, tomorrow, where he seemed genuinely contrite and apologetic, we’d shower him with praise. We’d forgive every misstep. He’d be the sympathetic figure this story needs, and it has nothing to do with him choosing to tell the truth.
We love tearing famous people down. It’s what we do as a society. But, we can only do one at a time, and right now is A-Rod’s turn. An admission by Pujols would allow us to look at A-Rod and say, “See! That’s what we wanted from you.” Even though we’d be ignoring the fact that he cheated in the exact same way.
The mindless yelling will finally stop, and we’d move on.
It’s hypocritical and patently stupid, but Albert Pujols would absolutely get a free pass just because he’s not A-Rod.
That’s the Pujols Loophole.
There’s so much hostility and animosity toward Rodriguez, that we’d instinctively see Pujols as courageously sympathetic. A hero who was 100% wrong, but came clean exactly the way we unrealistically wanted him to. Normally, it wouldn’t matter. Right now, it would, and it’s only because we currently have a villain to satisfy our insatiable need to condemn.
Albert Pujols can end this sanctimonious grandstanding.
The loophole has a timeframe, though. If he waits too long to come clean, and our collective anger with A-Rod subsides–sort of like it did with Barry Bonds–Pujols could wind up becoming America’s next bad guy, instead of the good guy we’ve been waiting for.
Who would be our hero, then?
You know how some guys have some ridiculous thing against wearing a condom? Like, if they whip one out in the middle of hooking up with a girl, it’s going to kill the mood or something. Yea, I’ve never had that fear. My fear has always revolved around three simple words:
“It’s your baby.”
Not convinced that their people were strong-willed enough to resist temptation, the French decided to launch a campaign to warn people about the dangers of unprotected sex…
…and, apparently, scare the shit out of everyone in the process.