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If you’ve ever needed a clear reminder that you’re getting old, feel free to attend your high school’s 10-year reunion.
Originally, I wasn’t going to go to mine because Facebook and MySpace have made the idea of a reunion obsolete. Why would I pay $60 to find out what people are up to nowadays when I can easily check their Facebook and see that they’re clearly not up to anything? Instead, I did what any good Jew would do… I went to the free Meet & Greet.
The first thing you learn when you get to your class reunion is that most of the people haven’t changed. They worked at Foot Locker in high school and they still work there now. The ones who were lucky have moved on to bigger and better things–Best Buy, for instance. The most successful of the bunch work office jobs. You can tell who they are because they look like they haven’t seen the sun since graduation. If you’re looking for anyone who has done something truly meaningful with their life, then you’re probably going to be disappointed, because they’re not going to be there. You don’t become important by clinging to your past. Since I blog, I think we can figure out which category I fall into. Plus, I was there, wasn’t I?
Another thing you’ll learn at your class reunion is that time does nobody well. For the most part, we’re all terribly overweight and more awkward than ever. What’s worse, is that those who have put on some weight, haven’t exactly put it on evenly. All of the excess tonnage has gone to one area or another, causing that person to look much less like a human being, and much more like a Hershey Kiss. A very bald, very saggy Hershey Kiss. It’s unbelievably depressing.
The last thing you’ll realize is that you don’t care much about what any of the people you meet actually do, nowadays. Sure, you were interested before you got there, but once you realized that they’re basically living the same life you’re living, you begin to get bored of their stories pretty quickly. I can depress myself with my own shortcomings, thank you very much.
Don’t think the entire night is one miserable event, though. Odds are, you’ll run into an old friend and have a decent conversation or two. You’ll probably spend a good hour or so talking to some other people about the past, and since your best days are now behind you, you’ll be more than happy to discuss those times of yore. That conversation will most likely prevent you from killing yourself when you wake up the next morning and have to face reality again. You might even meet some people you didn’t even know existed in high school. Maybe they were antisocial. Maybe you were antisocial. Either way, there’s alcohol now, so you can all mingle and pretend the avoidance was all some big misunderstanding and not your inability to form a sentence when in the direct vicinity of the opposite sex.
Whether you choose to go or not, I hope this guide has been helpful. Perhaps, when your own reunion comes up in the future, you’ll remember the words you read here today and make a more informed decision about your attendance.
And remember, the big dude with the dreads? It doesn’t matter if you’re more successful now. He can still kick your ass.
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