This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…
July 27, 2009, 10:08 pm
Filed under: Douchebags, Twitter


A few years back, at the height of fashion, when trucker hats and Diesel shoes were the new Z-Cavarichies, I began popping my collar. Within a week, that style had begun to fade and I ended up looking like a huge douche in every one of my MySpace pictures.

I’m convinced that that fad didn’t just die; I put the gun to its head, pulled the trigger and kept firing until the clip was spent.

People like me are always the last ones to pick up on trends, and by the time we do, it’s too late. The cool kids look at us funny, realize they need to find something else and leave us losers with hundreds of dollars of out-of-date merchandise that not even a homeless person would be caught dead wearing.

That fad didn’t just die. I murdered it.

Fast forward to present day, where I sit, looking at my Twitter page, wondering where it all went wrong.

When I signed up for Twitter, not all that long ago, it was still considered uncharted territory. Sure, it had been around a while, but it never really caught on with the masses. There were a handful of users I came across whose only tweet had been, “Just testing this thing out,” with a time stamp from a year earlier. To be fair, nobody had any idea what to do with it at that point. Wasn’t Twitter exactly what a Facebook status was for?

I tried it out anyway, picking up followers pretty quickly through an online circle I was active in, and before I knew it, Twitter was becoming a truly interactive community. People answering other’s questions, making sarcastic remarks and doing all of the things a group of friends tend to do. Maybe there were a few people pimping their own blogs, but not enough to bother anyone. There just seemed to be a certain decorum that the majority of the Twitterverse (Did I just say that?) clearly understood, and ultimately respected.

Now, after 8 months of Twittering Twatting Twitting telling a hundred or so people I don’t know particularly well, all the juicy details of my totally uninspiring life, it seems Twitter’s charm and appeal have all but disappeared.

Somewhere along the way, people stopped being chummy. They started to see opportunity. Suddenly, my entire Twitter feed is littered with bland, humorless links to the personal blogs of people who were once witty. I swear that at one point, these folks were entertaining. Now, most of them are just looking for page views. Sell outs.

Unbelievably, the worst of the bunch are celebrities, whose sole agenda is to compile the most extensive list of imbecilic followers, like a shallow 13-year-old girl on MySpace. The constant tweets of “Lets get to 1,000,000 followers”or some other nonsense has made the average Twitter feed painful to follow.

And of course, lurking in the shadows, late to the party, as always, were the middle-aged executives in charge of advertising and promotions, just waiting to rape Twitter of whatever purity it had left. Every company from FOXNews to Quarterdeck Restaurant to the guy who drives the local ice cream truck has a Twitter page these days, and they all use it for one purpose… the most blatant self promotion man has ever seen. Don’t be afraid to be even the slightest bit subtle, will ya’, guys?

Back in 2005, MySpace was the most dominant social networking site in the world. And then, just as quickly as it rose to prominence, Facebook squashed it like a bug. Like I said earlier, fads come and go, and that’s sort of what the social networking sites are. In this case, it was the athletes and corporations who walked into the party with their collars popped, drinking Smirnoff Ice and awkwardly hitting on girls. It’s safe to say this fad is on it’s way out.

I’m just glad I wasn’t the one who killed it this time.


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