This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…
July 27, 2009, 10:08 pm
Filed under: Douchebags, Twitter


A few years back, at the height of fashion, when trucker hats and Diesel shoes were the new Z-Cavarichies, I began popping my collar. Within a week, that style had begun to fade and I ended up looking like a huge douche in every one of my MySpace pictures.

I’m convinced that that fad didn’t just die; I put the gun to its head, pulled the trigger and kept firing until the clip was spent.

People like me are always the last ones to pick up on trends, and by the time we do, it’s too late. The cool kids look at us funny, realize they need to find something else and leave us losers with hundreds of dollars of out-of-date merchandise that not even a homeless person would be caught dead wearing.

That fad didn’t just die. I murdered it.

Fast forward to present day, where I sit, looking at my Twitter page, wondering where it all went wrong.

When I signed up for Twitter, not all that long ago, it was still considered uncharted territory. Sure, it had been around a while, but it never really caught on with the masses. There were a handful of users I came across whose only tweet had been, “Just testing this thing out,” with a time stamp from a year earlier. To be fair, nobody had any idea what to do with it at that point. Wasn’t Twitter exactly what a Facebook status was for?

I tried it out anyway, picking up followers pretty quickly through an online circle I was active in, and before I knew it, Twitter was becoming a truly interactive community. People answering other’s questions, making sarcastic remarks and doing all of the things a group of friends tend to do. Maybe there were a few people pimping their own blogs, but not enough to bother anyone. There just seemed to be a certain decorum that the majority of the Twitterverse (Did I just say that?) clearly understood, and ultimately respected.

Now, after 8 months of Twittering Twatting Twitting telling a hundred or so people I don’t know particularly well, all the juicy details of my totally uninspiring life, it seems Twitter’s charm and appeal have all but disappeared.

Somewhere along the way, people stopped being chummy. They started to see opportunity. Suddenly, my entire Twitter feed is littered with bland, humorless links to the personal blogs of people who were once witty. I swear that at one point, these folks were entertaining. Now, most of them are just looking for page views. Sell outs.

Unbelievably, the worst of the bunch are celebrities, whose sole agenda is to compile the most extensive list of imbecilic followers, like a shallow 13-year-old girl on MySpace. The constant tweets of “Lets get to 1,000,000 followers”or some other nonsense has made the average Twitter feed painful to follow.

And of course, lurking in the shadows, late to the party, as always, were the middle-aged executives in charge of advertising and promotions, just waiting to rape Twitter of whatever purity it had left. Every company from FOXNews to Quarterdeck Restaurant to the guy who drives the local ice cream truck has a Twitter page these days, and they all use it for one purpose… the most blatant self promotion man has ever seen. Don’t be afraid to be even the slightest bit subtle, will ya’, guys?

Back in 2005, MySpace was the most dominant social networking site in the world. And then, just as quickly as it rose to prominence, Facebook squashed it like a bug. Like I said earlier, fads come and go, and that’s sort of what the social networking sites are. In this case, it was the athletes and corporations who walked into the party with their collars popped, drinking Smirnoff Ice and awkwardly hitting on girls. It’s safe to say this fad is on it’s way out.

I’m just glad I wasn’t the one who killed it this time.

Dennis Bunnicelli: Taking Over The World, One Social Networking Site At A Time
March 26, 2009, 11:52 pm
Filed under: Dennis Bunnicelli, Flickr, Must Be Friday, Twitter

Ahhhh, Friday. The work week winds down, the beer starts to pour and you start to contemplate life’s most important questions. Why is the sky blue? Why is the Earth round? What would Dennis Bunnicelli say if he could only speak in 140 characters?

Perhaps he would say this:

bout to go bowl with my team and win this money bitches

Yes, Friday. The day you learn that your favorite thugged-out YouTube celebrity is on Twitter… and a Friday night bowling team.

Enjoy your weekend, folks. And if you really need another place to criticize me until Monday, check out the Flickr account. I promise it’ll have some new stuff for you to make fun of.

Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence (The Results)
March 4, 2009, 11:32 pm
Filed under: Attention Whoring, Shaq, Social Experiments, Twitter

What were you doing around two o’clock this afternoon?

I was in a car with two other people, on our way out of the office, headed to lunch. Since I wasn’t driving and the conversation was kind of boring, I glanced down at my phone to briefly check Twitter and saw the most obnoxious Tweet imaginable:


Had I checked before I stepped into the other person’s car, I would’ve had enough time to take my own car to South Beach and find a large black man with a scary beard. But, because I was five minutes slow on my Twittering, I was, instead, en route to the food court at the mall, where there was zero percent chance that anybody was giving out free tickets to the Heat game. Don’t worry. Not like I was waiting for something like this for a week already. How is my luck so unbelievably terrible?

Whatever. Secretly, I like to think Shaq only played this game because he saw what I wrote, didn’t think it was enough, and was trying to force me to earn the tickets. Or he just really likes random people touching him. Either way…

Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence… FAILURE.

Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence (Phase II)
March 3, 2009, 10:36 pm
Filed under: Attention Whoring, Shaq, Social Experiments, Twitter


Last week, I unleashed Phase I of Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence (See: above). It was, for lack of a better term, a complete and total failure. Shaq never made that logo his Twitter icon, nor did he even see it. A total of four people took a gander at my artwork that day, and I’m pretty sure I was at least two of those.

Well, Tuesday I was supposed to unveil Phase II of my elaborate plan to get Shaq to invite me to sit courtside at American Airlines Arena Wednesday night. (Or something to that effect.) Unfortunately, I’ve been stuck working late the past few days and haven’t had a chance to release my second Shaq masterpiece to the masses. And since it looks like that won’t be changing anytime soon, I’d like to change the name of this mission to…

Operation: Seriously Shaq Just Offer Me Some Tickets For Fucks Sake, You Already Played “Touch Me” In a Mall, What Are You Michael Jackson?

Thank you. That is all.

Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence (Phase I)
February 26, 2009, 7:56 am
Filed under: Attention Whoring, Shaq, Social Experiments, Twitter

With Shaq coming to town next week, I thought it’d be a good time to try a fun project…

Operation: Please Shaq Acknowledge My Existence

My fascination with Shaq’s Twitter page isn’t much of a secret around here. And after reading these stories, I gotta say, the man might just be insane. But, hey, he’s having fun with some fans, and that’s more than I can say for some other athletes.

But if he’ll acknowledge two pasty white guys in a diner out west, why not this pasty white guy in Miami?

Phase I:

Consider it a gift from me to you. (And don’t even think about offering me tickets to the Suns/Heat game. No, really, don’t. I swear, I won’t accept them. And I definitely won’t accept them if they’re courtside… Ok, fine. Maybe courtside.)


Let’s see if this reaches the big guy.

The Boring Lives of Twitter Celebrities
February 14, 2009, 8:46 am
Filed under: The Disturbing Personal Lives Of Celebrities, Twitter


Since I joined Twitter, I’ve noticed a few things.

  1. I stopped using Facebook status updates.
  2. I’m not really disclosing as much about my personal life as I thought I would.
  3. Unfortunately, MC Hammer is.

When I first signed up for Twitter, I needed friends. Having a feed that only displays your own tweets is possibly the most boring exercise in all of social networking. So, of course, I started looking for people to follow. Before I could find any of those witty Deadspin folks, though, I loaded up on celebrities and other semi-popular feeds. Seemed logical enough. Someone famous would have to have some interesting things to say, right?


Turns out, some of these guys are just as entertaining as 13-year-old girls on Myspace. (If you read that last sentence and wondered why that was a bad thing, I know someone who would like to have a word with you.)

Shaq: Admittedly, he’s the reason I joined Twitter. Anotha sleepless nite, n twitter land, aaaaaggggghhhhhhh, whyyyyyyyyyyy” (I may’ve missed a Y  or two somewhere in there.) And while that’s fun to read once in a while, a constant stream of nonsenical, mispelled ramblings can become a bit tiresome. Don’t be afraid to use spellcheck, eh big guy?

William Leitch: Though watching the transition from happy-go-lucky Cardinals fan to sad, dejected, at-least-it-was-a-great-game Cardinals fan was a fun experience, I can’t say there’s been anything else on there that’s made me laugh. Well, except for this: Story about Twitter is all done and sent to press. It was really difficult to spread 140 characters over four pages, but we did our best.” Well played, sir. Well played.

Agent M: Do not follow this guy. Ever. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

MC Hammer: I’m not gonna lie. I thought for sure Hammer would be an awesome follow. The man was the sole reason I spent my entire youth in baggy pajama pants that were somehow considered “in style.” Apparently, though, one-hit-wonders have a lot of time on their hands–sorry, I refuse to accept that 2 Legit 2 Quit ever happened–and would like to make sure everyone in the world knows about their upcoming Cash4Gold commercial. Hammer tweets at least 47 times a day and usually has about one interesting thing to say every week. It’s as uninspiring a percentage as you’ll find, not located at the NBA free-throw line.

Though, it was a little refreshing to see this series of tweets pop up…

I’m feeling myself…Ran to and thru the airport… Danced while I waited for my luggage …legs strong…heart stonger !!

You let me pass on a typo ? Stronger !!!

Hmmm. Hammer… meet Shaq.

The moral, of course, is that you’ll probably enjoy Twitter a lot more if you follow the interesting regular folk, rather than the uninteresting celebrities. And that, if you need some extra money, Hammer can totally help you out with that…